• The pine forest can be seen in the Butterfly graphic lyrics book!

    • "It's barely a year difference. No, nobody said that. I'm his hyung. I know. But he won't always be a little kid. I'm asking if it isn't about time for him to know a little. Got it. I get it. I'm not mad. Sorry."

      I hung up and stared at the ground. A tepid ocean breeze swept through the pine forest. My chest felt so stifled it might explode. On the ground, half sand and half dirt, some ants had formed a line and were going somewhere. To someone far greater than me, both physically and symbolically, would it be obvious that I was going somewhere, why I was going and how it would turn out?

      It wasn't that I didn't love my parents. It wasn't that I didn't worry about my sibling. I wanted to turn away if I could, but since I couldn't help being myself, of course I wasn't entirely able to. And in that case, what point was there in struggling or being angry, or being frustrated, or wanting to leave?

      A little ways off I could see the back of someone else, standing transfixed just as I was. It was Jungkook. At some point, Jungkook had said something like this. "I want to be an adult like hyung." I couldn't tell him back then. That I wasn't that great an adult, no, that I wasn't even an adult. Saying something like that had seemed cruel. To someone who hadn't received the love and trust and interest that he naturally should have, how could I say that getting older, getting taller, and living a little more doesn't make someone an adult? I hoped that Jungkook's future would be a little kinder than mine, but I couldn't promise that I would be a help to him in that process. I approached him and put my arm over his shoulders. Jungkook lifted his eyes and looked at me.


      I was passing a pine forest when I saw hyung pick up the phone and start to lag behind. There were lots of times like those nowadays. He moved away, far enough that others couldn't hear, and answered the phone. I purposely slowed my steps and hid myself off toward the ocean. Hyung didn't see me hide, so he passed by me. "Only one year younger than me. No, I don't really care. Anyway, I'm not going to take responsibility so just do whatever you think is best."

      Something cold slid down my spine. It felt like the whole world had crumbled with a crash. It felt like floating alone in the middle of the ocean. It was terrible and frightening. I was miserable and insignificant. I was angry. I was so angry I couldn't hold it back. I wanted to cause a scene. I wanted to destroy something, to hit something, to wreck myself. I was always afraid. That my father's blood ran in my veins. I thought, maybe his violence was my inheritance. It seemed as if something was piercing my tightly-wound defenses.